Ways to Enhance Your Tabletop Games Using 3 x 5 Index Cards

Well this is one of those rare posts of mine where I'm not doing a conversion, but instead I'm giving you folks something else to use for your games.  Now some of you may already do this, and if so then this isn't really for you.

Now we've all had some amount of 3x5 inch index cards laying around for one reason or another.  Their versatility is quite extensive.  So lets get into some of the uses you can get out of these cards for your tabletop games.

--Step 1:  Set Up your Word Doc--
In this step we're going to make a template document to use as the base for all of our 3x5 inch index cards.

1. Open your new blank document.  Make sure that spacing is normal, and not double spaced.
2. Go to the layout tab and click the small icon in the bottom right hand corner of the "Page Setup" part of the ribbon.  This will open a new window.
3. Now select the "Paper" tab.  In this tab you will see the Paper Size at the top, and a drop down menu with dozens of paper sizes.  What your looking for is "Index card 3x5in." option.  This will then alter the size of the page to handle creating 3x5 inch documents.

It's that easy.  Now save the document size and your base template is ready to be used.

Created by ceeeKay, found on Reddit.

--Step 2:  Pick Your Project--
There's a lot you can do at this point for projects involving these cards.  Now something I would point out that you could add to help with organization/formating of these is to make use of tables to help keep things looking good.

• Spell/Power Cards:  So it can be tedious to constantly look up spells in the players handbook, or sort through a character sheet to find a specific power (I'm looking at you Hero System).  While there are spell cards you can buy, this is by far the cheapest method of creating them.  However this requires a lot of work on your part.  Now with powers the same applies, but you at least have less work to do.
• Equipment Cards:  Do you got a bunch of special items you want to dull out as the GM?  Well this is the way to do it.  Easy to pass out as loot and you can add a picture to help illustrate what the weapon looks like. 
• Character Sheet:  Well it's not practical, but there are some folks who may not have a lot of room for character sheet, their books, and dice on a small table.  In this case you could punch a hole through the cards and add a ring to hold them all together.
• Character Tokens:  Now using a thick cardstock is typically prefered for this, but you can just as easily use these 3x5 cards for creating these as well.  Of course they won't handle too big of pictures, but but you can easily utilize them for a few 1 inch images for tokens.  Just cut out and past them to something and your in business.

These are of course just a few things you can do.  You may have other thoughts on what you can do with these cards.  But these are pretty much the practical projects that I could come up with.  So what else can you you guys think of?  Do you have some sort of project that people could make use of?

If you have an idea and want to share it, post it below for others to pick up on and use.

D&D 5th Edition Conversion Class - Demiglaive (Final Fantasy XV Inspired)

Hi everyone.  This conversion has been something of a long build.  Difficulties coming up with powers/abilities for a class inspired off of Final Fantasy XV's "Noctis Lucis Caelum".

Then of course there was settling on a class name.  Originally I was thinking of calling the class the Displacer...but after some thinking here at the end and seeing how Noctis's companions are known as the King's Glaive, I decided on calling the class Demiglaive.  This means that characters of this class are the Glaives of the gods.

It also doesn't help matters that life has been busy of late, so finding time to play Final Fantasy XV and draw inspiration from the characters, and their abilities, hadn't been easy.  But I'm all done now and so here it is.

DEMIGLAIVE

A lone human stands against a horde of enemies.  He smiles as an array of ethereal, crystal like, weapons appear around them.  Flying with his array of weapons at his disposal, the man brings all the weapons to bear on those that surround them, cutting through his enemies like they were nothing.  But after a few minutes the man landed and the array of weapons vanished, save but one which he grabbed, solidifying it from its ethereal form.  He vanished, suddenly appearing at his next foe with the blade sunk into its their chest.  He continued appearing and disappearing from foe to foe with his enemies only getting the casual swipe at him as he would be standing in one spot and then just off from where he had been thought to be.

As the battle wore on, his eyes started to glow faintly, the gods had seen his dilemma and were willing to assist him.  He welcomed the help, and in that moment a massive hand descended out of nowhere, scooping him up.  The gods had sent their agent, who lifted the man out of harms way.  With another gesture the being called down lightning, cascading across the entirety of the battle field.  In a similar manner, the being put the man back on the ground.  His enemies were decimated, though several still remained standing in the face of the onslaught.  The damage, however, was massive as fires and scorched earth covered the area.

Summoning his blade once more, the man advanced as he was ready to finish his work.  Such was the task for those chosen by the gods to be Demiglaives.

THE CHOSEN ONE

Chosen at birth for greatness by the gods, this is a phrase many would wish to be bestowed.  Some bestow this phrase upon themselves, others may do so by using magic to pear into the future to look upon the deeds that a child may accomplish.  For a Demiglaive, however, the phrase is very much true. A Demiglaive is one who was chosen by the gods to perform great deeds, whether heroic or otherwise.  Upon coming of age, the chosen one is able to displace themselves and items.

The Demiglaive is a champion of the gods, and is one of the few beings who is ever being watched by them.  The gods will allow the Demiglaive to live their life to a degree, but a life extraordinary will always be their calling and they may one day be called upon by the gods to quest for them.  The speed of the Demiglaive is greater than that of most beings, and an ability to teleport or displace themselves is how the Demiglaive moves about and survives their encounters.

ANOINTED BY THE GODS

While there are some beings who are also chosen by the gods, and have their eyes upon them, an exceptionally fewer number of such beings are ever chosen to be Demiglaives.  A Demiglaive never really appears out of place in a crowd.  Their weaponry is never carried out in the open, and this allows them to easily pass through checkpoints, or even not alert magic users who may have certain spells up that they have weapons.  The weight of the responsibility that they bear, is one that does not escape the Demiglaive as they know that at anytime the gods may come calling for them to take up their cause.

CREATING A DEMIGLAIVE

When creating a Demiglaive character, you need to think about why the gods chose you to be their champion.  Is there some great threat looming in the horizon, or are you simply the next in a long bloodline of those who have been favored by the gods?  Are you an ordinary person, thrust into a larger and more dangerous world, or are you a member of some royal line who all have been Demiglaives in the past?  You will need to speak with your DM about what is appropriate for your character.

QUICK BUILD

You can make a Demiglaive quickly by following these suggestions.  First, put your highest ability score into DEX, and follow this up with CHA.  Second choose the Folk Hero background.

CLASS FEATURES

As a Demiglaive, you gain the following class features.

HIT POINTS

Hit Dice:  1d10 per Demiglaive level

Hit Points at 1^st Level: 10 + your CON modifier

Hit Points at Higher Levels:  1d10 (or 6) + your CON modifier per Demiglaive level after 1^st.

PROFICIENCIES

Armor:  Light armor, shields

Weapons: Simple weapons, & martial weapons

Tools: 1 set of your choice

Saving Throws:  DEX, CHA

Skills:  Choose two skills from Acrobatics, Arcana, History, Nature, Perception, Persuasion, Stealth, and Survival.

EQUIPMENT

You start with the following equipment, in addition to the equipment granted by your background:

·         (a) a long sword or (b) any martial weapon

·         (a) two short swords or (b) any simple weapon

·         An explorer’s pack

CRYSTORIUM ARSENAL

At 1st level, you have access to the crystorium.  This is magical means of storing weapons and other equipment which can be called on when needed.  You start with the ability to bond 1 weapon + your CHA modifier.  The bonding process simply requires you to use an action to put it into your crystorium.  Once there, you can summon the weapon or put it away as an incidental action, and you can swap between weapons for each attack you can make.  You also can throw or drop the weapon and it will vanish back to the crystorium or reappear in your hand if you still need to use it.  Shields also apply to this method of storage.  You can only summon forth 2 items at a time however, one for each hand.

At 3^rd level, and each additional 3 levels, you can add 1 more weapon to your crystorium arsenal.  This can include magical weapons, though if a weapon requires bonding then this process is different and does not interfere with the crystorium.  Objects can also be removed from the crystorium if desired in the same manner in which they were be added.  Weapons stored have no weight until they are summoned & wielded.

With ranged weapon, the ammo does not count as a weapon slot, but is part of one weapon.  As such, you can essentially hold a typical allotment of ammo for the weapon as part of its crystorium storage (this is often just 20 shots).  Ammo is also recovered by the crystorium so it only ever makes sense to have just a few bolts/arrows/bullets on hand.  The exception to this is ammo (or an item) that is destroyed when it is used.  In this case the crystorium does not recover the item.

CRYSTORIUM STORAGE

At 1^st level you have the ability to use your crystorium to store a limited number of items that aren’t weapons.  This essentially acts like a pouch or backpack for this purpose and it takes only a move action to bring out a crystorium stored item and use it.  At 1^st level you can store up to 20lbs of items.  At level 3, and every 3^rd level there after you can increase this storage by 10lbs.  Items stored do not have an actual weight that is applied to the PC until they bring the item out.

UNARMORED DEFENSE

At 1^st level you, when you are not wearing any armor, your Armor Class equals 10 + your DEX modifier + your CHA modifier.  You can use a shield and still gain the benefits of this.

WARP

At 2^nd level you gain the ability to warp.  As a move action you can teleport a number of feet equal to your normal ground movement.  The distance that you can teleport increases by 10ft at levels 5, 8, 12, and 16.  Your teleportation is however limited to your line of sight.

WARP STRIKE

At 2^nd level, when you phase shift, you can make a warp strike.  After you warp, you can strike your opponent with the charged blade dealing more damage to them than normal.  This adds an extra die of damage that the weapon deals.  You can only use this ability a number of times equal to your CHA modifier +1 before you must take a short rest to recover all uses of the ability.  At 10^th level you can use your warp strike as a ranged attack.  If you hit, you can teleport a target to be adjacent to you.  The target is at disadvantage on attacks against you after being teleported.

PATH OF THE CHOSEN

At 3^rd level, you choose a path that guides how your Demiglaive powers will evolve.  Choose the Path of Wise, or the Path of the Champion, both detailed at the end of the class description.  Your choice grants you features at 3^rd level and again at 6^th, 10^th, and 14^th levels.

ELEMANCY

At 4^th level, you gain the ability to absorb elemental forces, storing them into simple flasks that you hurl as a grenade to unleash a magical assault.  There are 3 forms of elemancy resources that you can draw upon: fire, ice, and lightning.  Sources can be any natural form fire, water, lighting/electricity (magic spells and enchantments don’t count unless the magical element is naturally occurring).  The flask itself only needs to be on your person to be filled.  You must use an action to draw the source’s essence and capture it into the flask, but only 1 source at a time.  Sources can provide enough essence for 1 flask, or multiple flasks.  A campfire will fill one flask.  A water skin will also fill one flask.  An actual lightning source is drawn from friction, and essentially 10 min must be spent to draw out 1 full flask of lightning from a source of friction (or just an action of a bolt of lightning just touched down at a spot, or if electricity is common in a setting).  The number of magic flasks you can create is limited to your WIS modifier +1 (no less than 1).  Every 4 levels you gain after acquiring this will allow you to create 1 additional flask.  Elemancy flasks use a ranged attack to be used and they create the following effects when thrown as a grenade.  Emptying a flask is as simple as drawing out and dissipating the element, using an action to do so.  When a flask is used it is destroyed, and opponents can make a DEX save to take half damage.

·         Fire:  The Fire flask does 2d6 damage to anything in 30ft area, and at the start of your next turn the targets take damage again.  Every 4 levels the damage increases by 1d6.

·         Ice:  The Ice flask does 1d8 damage to anything in a 30ft area, and targets damaged have their movement halved until the end of your next turn.  Every 4 levels the damage increases by 1d8.

·         Lightning:  The lightning flask does 1d10 damage to anything in a 30ft area, and until the end of your next turn the target is stunned.

ABILITY SCORE IMPROVEMENT

When you reach 4^th level, and again at 8^th, 12^th, 16^th, and 19^th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1.  As normal, you can’t increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.

EXTRA ATTACK

Beginning at 5^th level, you can attack twice, instead of once, whenever you take the attack action on your turn.

CRYSTORIUM EMPOWERMENT

At 5^th level, any normal – unenchanted – weapon you possess is considered a magic weapon for the purposes of overcoming resistances.

WEIGHT OF DESTINY

At 7^th level, the weight of your destiny can be brought to bear against those you face.  When making a diplomacy, or intimidation skill roll, you roll with advantage.

WARP ASSAULT

At 9^th level you possess the ability to warp rapidly, allowing you to strike at multiple opponents, or even just one opponent multiple times.  Within your normal warp range of movement, you may make 1 attack against each enemy there in, up to a number of attacks equal to your CHA modifier + 1.  Against a single target you can make the same number of attacks as well.  This action cannot be used again until a short rest is taken.

CRYSTORIUM BROTHERHOOD

At 10^th level, you crystorium storage expands to those who ally with you.  You can designate a number of individuals, up to your CHA modifier +1, who can store up to 2 weapons of their choice into their own crystorium storage.  The weapons are treated as if having no weight until they are held.

IMPROVED ELEMANCY

At 11^th level you gain the ability to cast mixed elemancy spells.  You can now mix your elements to create the following spells.  Some of these spells allow for saving throws, and the spell save DC is 8 + your Prof. bonus + your CHA modifier.  All targets of these spells can make a DEX save for half damage.

·         Flare:  This is the most powerful fire spell that can be conjured.  The spell deals 8d6 damage to all targets in a 30ft area.  All targets that take damage also ignite, taking 2d6 damage on each of their turns until the fire is doused (they can spend an action to put themselves out).  It takes a short rest to create 1 flask of flare, and at least a 4x4 area of nonmagical fire or heat to draw from. 

·         Freeze:  This is the most powerful ice spell that can be conjured.  The spell deals 8d8 damage to all targets in a 30ft area.  Targets killed by this become frozen statues until they thaw.  Targets not killed suffer from a build up of ice and frost on their bodies that hamper their movements, imposing a disadvantage on all STR and DEX saves that they may make until an action can be used to clear off the build up of ice, or they are hit with a fire spell, or the ice buildup melts off (a short rest).  It takes a short rest to create 1 flask of freeze, and at least a 4x4 area of nonmagical water or ice to draw from. 

·         Election:  This is the most powerful lightning spell that can be conjured.  The spell deals 8d6 damage to all targets in a 30ft area.  Targets wearing metal armor take an additional 2d6 damage.  Targets hit by this are also stunned and remained stunned until they can make a CON save to recover from the effect (this is rolled at the start of your turn).  It takes a short rest to create 1 flask of election, you gain no rest from using the short rest as you need to spend the entire time generating some form of friction. 

SHIFTING DEFENSE

At 13^th level, when using the dodge action, you can instead choose to apply your warping abilities to your defense instead.  Against attacks you can take the dodge action to, you are treated as if you have resistance to the attack, should it still hit.  If you have to make a DEX saving throw against a spell to take half damage, you take no damage instead if you succeed.

CRYSTORIUM BLITZKRIEG

At 15^th level, your crystorium arsenal can be used at an elevated level for a short time.  You can manifest your arsenal into a floating array of weapons circling around you.  On your turn you can strike an opponent with your full arsenal in melee, or at a range.

·         Melee Strike:  Damage is based upon the weapon with the highest die, but you cannot add your STR or DEX mod to the damage you deal.  Each weapon that you currently have in your arsenal adds 1 additional die of damage.  If shields are present, one shield gives its normal benefits.  If a second shield is present, then it imposes a disadvantage to the opponents attack rolls.

·         Ranged Strike:  Range is 20/60 and figured like that for the melee strike.  However, shields add to the damage you deal, and aren’t reserved for defense.

The crystorium blitzkrieg remains in use for 1 round, per +1 modifier you have from your CHA score.  After its used you must take a long rest before you can use it again.  And if you make multiple attacks on your round then you can choose freely between melee or ranged attacks.  Extra damage from Divine Weight adds to the damage here, but you do not gain extra dice for each weapon, just extra dice in general for the attack.  Thus, if you are rolling 5 dice for weapons, you could add 1 additional die, (or two), for Divine Weight.

HOLY/DEATH

At 17^th level you gain the ability to cast two special spells, Holy & Death.  These spells are treated as cantrips and have the following effects:

·         Holy:  When cast the spell as an action you gain a bonus action to dodge, if your successful in dodging you deal 3d8 radiant damage against a single target regardless of them being at a range or in melee combat with you, and you regain 1d4+1 HP.  This applies only to a single target, even though you retain the dodge benefit against all attacks against you.

·         Death:  A powerful spell that shrivels your foe to nothing.  Each turn you may make a ranged attack roll on a target.  The target must make a CON save.  If they fail the save they take 3d8 necrotic damage and are at a disadvantage on further CON saves until the start of your next turn.  You can continue to use this, but the effect to CON does not stack up, it is simply maintained.  A target reduced to 0 HP by this no longer exists as their body has shriveled to nothing (this is only countered by creatures/beings who cannot be permanently killed).

CRYSTORIUM ULTIMA

At 18^th level you can occasionally call upon the unequaled might of the gods to help you.  Which god that comes to help you is beyond your control, as well as what they do to assist you.  Typically the god will unleash an attack that affects all enemies you face.  The damage of the attack is negligible as all targets must instead make a CON save vs. Death, with the DC being the same as it would be for your elemancy powers.  If they fail the save, they die.  If they succeed, however, then their HP is reduced by half.  If the god chooses the heal the player and their party members then they completely restore all lost HP and resurrect any fallen party members who were defeated during the current encounter.  When a god shows up is typically up to them, but they often give their assistance when the numbers are against the party – namely if the party if facing a number of enemies that is at least 2x greater than their numbers.  Generally, the GM will roll percentiles during the encounter.  The score that they need to roll under for the summon to occur is 5% per enemy on the field.  If an enemy has a level/CR exceeding that of the parties average then the chance increases by another 5%.  If the roll succeeds once, the roll continues, increasing by 10%.  A roll is made each turn after the initial success, with each additional success adding another 10% until 100% is reached.  At 100% the god descends to deliver their help.  If one of these rolls fails however, then only 5% is added to the amount.  It is also possible for the Demiglaive to refuse the god’s help, but the counter is does not carry over to another encounter.

SHATTER THE DARKNESS/LIGHT

At level 20 you possess the power to defy evil (or good) beyond all others.  Choose whether this will apply to evil or good alignments.  When fighting opponents of the chosen alignment type, you have +2 AC against them, your critical threat range for your attacks against these opponents is 19-20.  Once per day you can deal +1d8 per +1 modifier you have in your CHA score.  This extra damage is of a type that the target is weak against if they have a weakness to a type of damage.

PATHS OF THE CHOSEN

At 3^rd level, you choose a path that guides how your Demiglaive powers will evolve.  Choose the Path of the Wise, or the Path of the Champion, both detailed at the end of the class description.  Your choice grants you features at 3^rd level and again at 6^th, 10^th, and 14^th levels.

PATH OF THE WISE

There are some Demiglaives who choose to focus their strengths on their ability to interact wish others and wield their magic with greater power.

BEARING OF WISDOM

At 3^rd level, choose two INT based skill this will apply to.  When making skill rolls with the chosen skills,

IMPROVED ELEMANCY FLASKS

At 6^th level you can create 2 additional elemancy flasks.  Every 3 levels there after you gain 1 additional flask that you can create.  Also up to 3 of these flasks can be enhanced by spending double the time to make them.  An enhanced flask deals an extra 2 dice of damage.  Additionally, the time it takes to create a flask is reduced by half once you reach level 12.

VIGILANCE

At 10^th level you are more perceptive than others.  When you stand watch, or examine an area, or study something you have advantage on applicable skill rolls to detect things.  This helps you to find hidden passages, detect lies, perceive illusions and similar things.  You also cannot be surprised while you are conscious.

MASTERFUL ELEMANCY

At 14^th level your ability to wield your elemancy is far more potent.  The damage of your elemancy spells is increased by 1 additional die, and saving throw DC’s are increased by 2.

PATH OF THE CHAMPION

Those that choose the path of the champion are individuals who are willing to take the lead, to be an example, and to be a symbol for others.

HERALD

At 3^rd level you are the herald of the gods, their chosen champion.  Those that have faith in the gods you serve, are easier to influence than others.  You gain advantage on skill rolls made when interacting with these people.  On the other hand, against those whom oppose the gods you serve you have advantage on intimidation skill rolls made against them.  You are also a messenger for the gods, and if they have a message they want conveyed it is your duty to do so.

CHAMPION ARMS

At 6^th level you can begin to collect special weapons known as the Champion’s Arms.  These are weapons wielded by previous Demiglaives, and are made of crystal.  The difference between normal weapons, enchanted weapons, and champion arms is that champion arms take up no space in the crystorium arsenal.  Each weapon is treated like a cantrip spell.  You can only have 1 of any type of weapon, like one sword, one axe, one spear, one lance.  You can start with one weapon – your chosen champion arm, but you must find any others that there may be.

·         Damage:  Upon getting this the damage is 2 dice for the weapon .  This increases by 1 of the die type at levels 11 and 17.  You can add your level as a Demiglaive to damage rolls made with these weapons as well.

·         Magic:  The weapons are always treated as being magical, and damage is Radiant or Necrotic damage, (your choice).  The damage from your level, however, must be different and can be chosen from any of the other damage types.

·         Sapping Vitality:  The use of champions arms is not something to take lightly.  Each attack you land saps 1d4 HP from you, though a short rest will restore this.

CHAMPION’S WRATH

At 10^th level you can target one foe to visit your wrath upon.  You designate one opponent that this applies to (or one of the gods you serve can also do this for you).  All attacks made against the designated target are at advantage.  This effect is retained until either the opponent is slain, or 1 minute has passed.  The effect cannot be transferred to another target.  After a short rest the effect can be used again.

VANQUISH

At 14^th level you gain the ability to vanquish a foe with one hit.  When you attack an enemy with one of your champion arms, they must make a CON save vs. a difficulty of 8 + your CHA modifier + your proficiency bonus.  If they fail the save, the target is treated as if they had taken a critical hit, and your roll damage as such.  If the attack reduces the targets HP by half or more, they must make another CON save at disadvantage.  If they fail this save they die.  If the target succeeds in their first save, then damage is dealt normally and the vanquish ability is expended.  If they succeed in their second save, then they remain alive.  Vanquish can only be used once per day and is recovered after a long rest is taken.


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Well that's it for now folks.  I'll start figuring out what to do next.  And like always, keep in mind that this conversion is subject to change when needed.

Depression, it's been a hot topic of late...

Hi folks.  Of late I've seen a lot of talk on Facebook and Twitter about depression.  Now a lot of people, even gamers, suffer from depression.  And for those that don't know, depression works at different levels.  For some, depression is an annoyance that crops up for them from time to time, but they deal with it.  On the other hand it just gets worse from there for people who have depression.

So what would I know about it?

If it wasn't apparent, I have lived with severe depression for much of my life.  I've given things a lot of thought, and decided that I would share my story and thoughts with folks.

To start, I was diagnosed with this when I was young.  Like a lot of people, I was bullied when I was a kid.  It started when I was in grade school, 3rd grade.  This occured in Lewiston ID, and is one of the main reasons I hate the town.  For me there was no break from it.  Each day of school there was always something.  And even when I wasn't in school during the summer, it still occurred from time to time.

Junior high saw things get worse.  As schools funneled students to a single junior high school, the bullies also increased in a similar manner.  It was at this stage that I would be physically assaulted on 3 occasions while in school.  The first time was while I tried to go down a flight of stairs, a rather large teen, grabbed me by the throat and threw me down a flight of stairs.  I lost consciousness, and woke up long enough to see a couple of girls walk by and do nothing to help.

The next time was in science class.  Same guy sat behind me, and punched me in the back of the head, knocking me out.  The last time I was assaulted just involved someone sitting behind me and kicking my chair along with flicking me behind the ear.  This little thing however would result in me finally snapping and kicking my desk across the class room, putting my fist through a plate glass safety window before marching to the office.

I remember a teacher coming out and telling me to go to the office.  I responded "where do you think I'm going!"

Now amidst these time were bouts where I was isolated, pushed into lockers, made fun of, and so forth.  And as I was in boy scouts, I also dealt with a few bullies in the troop as well, but as I was constantly in a leadership position, and there were adults around, they had to curtail how bad they were.  Though, from what my dad told me, their fathers (who were assistant leaders, my dad was the scout master) were just as bad as their sons.

Something people don't realize about being the victim of bullies, is that you can become what you hate.  For me, I did the deplorable thing of picking on two other people, whom at the time I thought deserved to be harassed more than I was.  Now unlike those who picked on me, I did realize my colossal screw up.  I tried to apologize to both of them.  One of them accepted, while the other didn't.

My realization came when I finally found out that the people who I thought were my friends in school were in fact nothing more than toxic bullies who talked about me and used me as their own form of entertainment.  So when I put a stop to that, their true colors came out.  It would be at about this time that I had made new friends from scouts, with these two specific friends being like brothers to me.  These guys found out what was happening to me, and got the word out that I was to be left alone.  But by this time I was on my way to high school, and they were moving to their junior year of high school.

Throughout the 6 years of my life that I lost, wondering who I could trust, who was really a friend, and just dealing with all of the bullshit that comes with being a kid/teen, I lived with depression.  I would come home and cry.  I often dwelled upon what they told me, and thought it was true.  I thought about killing myself on more than one occasion.  I even thought about hurting my tormentors.

Depression takes your mind to places it shouldn't go.  Over the years, I've come to look at depression as like being really drunk.  Things that you would normally not think of doing, (aside from killing yourself or others), suddenly become more palatable to you as you look for ways to assuage your feelings.  You might over indulge in food, or shopping, or even make other decisions that are really bad for you, but because your thought process is inhibited those decisions look like good ideas.

Normally, people who have severe depression take medication to help keep this at bay.  Those that don't take medication, often don't deal with their depression well, but this isn't always the case for everyone.  For me, I've been fortunate that I'm not only immensely creative, but I'm an analytical thinker.  What this means for me is that when I get an idiot thought in my head, like hurting myself, I tend to play out the whole scenario in my head.

This breaks down to how much something would hurt, and progress to how much my loss would hurt others around me.  What would it do to them?  Would it create a downward spiral of loss, or self destruction?  When my depression hits this level of low, it's my analytical thinking that helps save me from myself...though it takes longer for it to break me out of my depression.

I'm 38 now, and severe depression is still a part of my life.  It resurges in times of stress (like when I was working on my last math class), or during times like the day my dad passed away, or his birthday.  I regulate myself in a few ways.  First off I remind myself, once my mind clears, that depression is nothing more than a chemical imbalance and nothing I was thinking is right.

Another thing I do is find something else to do that allows me to refocus and give me a chance break out of my funk.

Video games have long been that point of stress relief.  Action games, FPS, RPGs, whatever I need to work though a problem is there to take my mind off things.  This isn't always an available resource for me though.  If I'm at work, or out and about, I have to just push through it.  In these instances I hold onto the fact that I ultimately have people who depend on me, and loosing me isn't an option for them.

I know that my methods, and my way of handling my depression isn't something everyone can do. What I was hoping to do with this was to outline my own battle with depression, and hope that others may read this and be able to come up with their own means of regulating the pain they go through.

What advice can I give all of you who suffer from depression?

Everyone is looking for an answer to this, and everyone has an opinion on the matter.  First, don't be afraid of medication.  If your thinking of hurting yourself, or others then you may want to seriously speak with a psychologist about getting some medicine to take care of yourself.  I know it's expensive, but its better than acting out on darker urges that you would really not want to.

The next one point I would suggest is always have a means of pulling yourself out.  Depression is like a black hole.  It sucks you in and can swallow you up forever unless you put full power to the engines, and pull yourself out of its grasp!  Laughter is also good for countering depression.  Now I know that it can be tough to break your mind away from the crap thats dragging you down to find something funny, but do make an effort of it.  It's something that has worked for me, and I'm sure it's worked for others.

Really there is no simple solution.  There are only ways we learn to live with our depression.  I urge anyone who is reading this, who suffers from depression, to find ways to regulate it.  It's not your fault that that depression just comes along and kicks your legs out from under you.  Even if you may think people will get on without you, know that it's not true.  And finally, I know that we beat ourselves up over things that may happen in our lives, and that because we may not have been there, or we were late and that if only we hadn't been there for those things we could have made a difference.

February 12th, 2009, at 12:45pm I lost my dad.  The day before I had gotten a call that he was in the hospital and had a diabetic seizure.  When I spoke with everyone at the time, I was told he was awake and doing ok.  The next day, when I decided to drive out to where he was, I found out that his situation was worse than it had been initially.  He'd had another seizure and was now on life support.  It took me two hours to get to the hospital.  I arrived just in time to spend a minute with my dad in a catatonic state, only being kept alive by a machine.

I've kicked myself for years, beaten myself up, because I chose to wait for the next day.  If I had only left as soon as I had heard, maybe things would have gone different.  Maybe my dad would still be around and my kids would have a grandfather.  Instead they only know about him from what we've told them.

Sometimes when I see a picture of him, I keep saying I'm sorry that I was late, that I arrived only to watch him die.

The thing is, it's not my fault.  When I'm rational, I know this.  But when the depression hits...well obviously I don't think rationally.  And you should try to remember this for yourself as well.  Sometimes you just can't fight what will inevitably happen.  And you can't blame yourself for what you did/didn't do, or could have done/not done.

One last thing that I stress.  Don't do what I often do, and that's bottle up your emotions.  My past of being bullied caused me to instinctively bottle up and contain my emotions.  Now the upside is that I can, after a time, force down my emotions.  The other side of the coin in that is that its not healthy to do that.  Find someone to talk to, or at least someone who will let you lean on their shoulder and let out your emotions.  Now I don't mean someone who will let your throw a punch, I mean to get a good cry out.  I know that sometimes you need to just hit something, but that's not what I'm talking about here.  It's not always easy to let go and let people into your life's problems, but it's often a good idea to try to.

And if you need to hit something, well look online for a gym that offers some punching bags, sign up and go beat the stuffing out of them.

That's all I got on this.  I hope that some of you may find my views helpful.  I'm not expecting folks to be inspired, or to come to some revelations.  My hope is that maybe someone, if at least one person, will find my story and how I handle things helpful.

Take care everyone, I've still got a conversion I'm working on.